Ladies, Do You Know When You’ve Been Licked?

Brothers, I am tired of listening to your women talk about how you suck at eating pussy. This is important men, so I want you to listen up. I know most of you are fans of having some saucy wench resting her face in your lap and nodding vigorously and who wouldn’t be?

But how many of you are good enough to do it back? I mean really? And out of those who are willing to do it…how many of you have any idea how to navigate the region? Good intentions will only get you so far. You don’t want this to be like those half assed backrubs you get to either A) get laid or B) get one yourself.

Now, I assume as I’m writing this that you’ve got enough game to actually get this female disrobed and have your mug in that general vicinity. So I want you to think of this like the Superbowl. There is the pregame, the actual game, half time and the actual game again and the post game.

Pregame

Don’t be too eager. You have the objective in sight and you both know it’s going to happen, you are in no rush. Start somewhere in the stadium parking lot building the anticipation of the event. Kiss that belly button, the tummy and the thighs. And for the love of god don’t start at one of those points and make a bee line for it like you’re trying to get to the Springs on Mapquest. Take your time. Lick, nibble, nuzzle and get your fucking hands in there and tickle. The more time you take with the build up the more sensitive she will be…not just in her humid little crevasse but over every inch of her flesh.

The Game

Okay, her body language is telling you that your desired level of frustration has been reached. The long sighs, the accidental half moans and the squirming of her ass on whatever surface she’s on are all green lights. Now, should she be so bold as to grab your head and push you in that’s good…but still hold off for 10-15 seconds. It doesn’t sound like much but it can be an eternity in the right situation and this is one of them.

So now either you have chosen the moment or been enough of a sport to allow her to force the issue and you’re at the gate.

DO NOT DIVE RIGHT FOR THE CLIT!

I know what you’re thinking: this is the game and I’m here to play. She wants to feel good (and she will) and I’m a no nonesense mother fucker and I’m going in! But you have to bear in mind that that little marble is a sensitive piece of tissue. It’s basically the same as the head of your cock…capable on graet pleasure and also provoking the most gut wrenching yelps if abused.

So we’re going to start her out with some nice flat tongued licks from bottom to top. Slow at first but low pressure so it’s almost like a big wet tickle. Then over the course of a few moments you can get more creative, bring that tongue to a point and flutter it a bit. Dig it in that pussy a little bit, pry her open (just with the tongue right now) and use your instrument like a miniature cock.

Late comedian Sam Kinnison like to employ the alphabet method. That is to say you start licking the shape of the letters A B C D E F G and I hope to god you know the rest of it because otherwise how are you reading this? Personally, I like to vary the Kinnison method and lick out the sentence “THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPED OVER THE LAZY DOG.” This has all the letters of the alphabet in it and will probably stop you from the fatal error of humming the alphabet song to remember what letter is next and starting a really bizarre and awkward fight.

Once you’ve been into this for awhile it’s time to start the bring in some flare. This is the time to bring fingers into it. Now, it’s fairly likely that you may have already been using fingers on her before you went down but that doesn’t matter for these purposes. In this instance you are making the rules and the truly artistic cunnilinguist will wait til now to bring them in again. Slip in one or maybe two depending on how wet you’ve gotten her and now you should move in towards the clit. Again, don’t go right for it but roll your tongue around it, slosh it around in its hood. Flick (with your tongue) put your whole mouth over it and pretend your working a very tender Jolly Rancher.

Half Time

At this point you probably look like a baby who has been fighting his pureed apples. If you’ve been doing the job right (and if you notice her body language which will tell you) you’re sloppy with juice. Take a pause. Slide yourself up her body and work that mouth on her tummy, her breasts, her neck and ears. If you’re wily you xan make a knee or an elbow an incredibly sensuous detour as well. Look her in the eyes, kiss her lips and tell her just how sweet it is down there.

The Second Half

After your layover in other regions of this magnificent sexual being we call woman, a slow seductive slide back to her lap is in order. When you recommence you may choose to resume activities with a few more broad licks to her lips. but since you’ve already established a presence it is all right to go right back to what you were just doing with little cause for concern. Here now, are the little twists and turns that will establish your reputation as a first rate pussy licker and not just some eager paperboy raging for any action at all. The clitoris is basically a tiny cock. So now when you resume your attention you should attempt to encompass just the cylinder of the clit and slide up and down on it just like you want her to do on your dick. But where as she has only the bob, the lick and the suck to work with (including the awkward ball fondling which feels like she’s trying to fish a quarter out of a coin purse) you have a much more sophisticated apparatus to work with.

With any number of fingers inside of her while you work her over you have options to alternate between or work all at once. first, slide a finger in and immediately curl it back. This has the effect of pushing her clit farther out of its hood and allowing more contact with your lips and tongue. I caution you that it is not hard to bruise a clit so be slow in your application of pressure until you determine how rough the attention you can give. Also, farther up the inner wall of her you will find a spongey spot about the size of a quarter, this the the legendary G spot. Apply pressure in a circular motion and you will generate a euphoric warmth that enhances orgasm and will spread all through her abdomen. The more confident of you will discover that it can be worked from the inside and outside at the ame time by working the finger and rubbing her abdomen in about the same spot. When you do it right, you’ll know. (Just an FYI- conditions such as Endometriosis can cause tissue to form over the G-Spot and you may discover limited or no response from this.)

My personal inclination is to not stop until orgasm is achieved. I don’t care what Meg Ryan did in “When Harry Met Sally” when a woman cums she flushed red from top to bottom and if you can’t tell you ain’t trying. You may get the “George Costanza” shoulder tap at some point if you haven’t got it right on the first couple of attempts (for each girl you may be trying this with) in which case…you know…just fuck her brains out.

Now yes, this is an elaborate set of directions and doing all of it as a routine probably won’t work every time. But a few times at least she’ll love that you treated her. What’s important is that you have each of these moves in your pussy eating arsenal and eventually you can switch the order and add or subtract things as your style and her poreferences dictate.

Post Game

Well congratulations, you’ve licked the hell out of that pussy and probably gained a fan. Even if you break up memories of your skill will keep you on the short list for booty calls until she finds some guy to get serious with. But something that gets overlooked and shouldn’t is that her body is still hyper sensitive. Something as simple as stroking her shoulders or wrapping and arm around her and sliding your skin on hers which will again, usually lead to some throw down fucking that will get your ass evicted in a building with thin walls.

Be respectful (unless she likes to be treated like a slut which can be fun too) and after all this finesse remember she still wants you to fuck her like the man you are.

A Few Notes

How do i know all this?

I read.
I experiment.
I have had close relationships with lesbians who wanted me to do well.
And most importantly…I fucking pay attention to the women I am with.

Anyway, that’s the lesson. Please us this more for good than for evil and I’m always happy to share success stories. And as always…Ladies anything to add?

Tags: Instruction, Oral Sex, Orgasm, relationship, Sexuality

Today, Hot Free Press has a new post, thanks to Heath Watts, an old friend, loyal reader, atheist, socialist, and musician.

Religious distress is at the same time the expression of real distress and the protest against real distress. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness. The demand to give up the illusion about its condition is the demand to give up a condition which needs illusions.
Karl Marx, Critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right

Tags: Ben Stein, fear, Heath Watts, Hegel, Marx, math, opium, Philosophy of Right, Religion, Richard Dawkins, Science

Tags: air supply, Bush, goodbye, love, Obama, president

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.  It’s been…I don’t know…about a month since my last public confession.  I’ve confessed to a priest or two, you know, in the dark of that musty old cathedral…at least that’s what he called that big, black dress he was wearing.  Whatever, I’m telling you it was musty as hell under that tented cassock.

Surely, I’m going to Hell.

“Shirley, I’m going to Hell.”

It’s nearly time for that long-overdue changing of the guard in Washington, DC.  Many of us have waited, impatiently, for this day.  I’ll try to remain professional and circumspect and just say that I’m fucking stoked.

Forty eight years ago today, Dwight D. Eisenhower said goodbye to the nation in his farewell address.  In that speech, Ike brought up a little thing we lefties like to refer to as the ‘Military-Industrial Complex’.  We lefties like to call it that because Ike named it that in his speech.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals so that security and liberty may prosper together.

Forty eight years later, a tired, bankrupt nation in a deep recession bids good riddance to the administration that brought the military-industrial complex to the pinnacle of power, a corrupt, inept, and belligerent administration of, schizophrenically, war-mongering and draft-dodging halfwits, thieves, and serpent-handlers.

The Bush administration, with its relentless pursuit of the unholy union of church, state, and corporation, has corrupted and bankrupted the United States, and made likely the possibility that the United States will become a minor player on the world stage, no longer able to exert influence economically, socially, or militarily.

This bumbling, keystone cop administration would be amusing if not for the pain and suffering and death and economic failure it provided to the world, out of kindness.  But through it all, they professed to love some fictional character named Jesus.  Throughout this blog, read, enjoy, and scream in anger, but always remember, I love a fictional character named Hellboy, and because of that, I can smoke cigars, drink beer, and eat candy all day, and at night I get to fight bad guys.  And one of my hands is fucking huge, like a crab claw, for I was created in His Ruddy Image.

George W. Bush is a man of accomplishment.  His family kept him out of ‘nam.  His family set up some companies for him, and provided investors.  His family organized a group of wealthy inbreds to buy little George a baseball team.  His family used its wealth and power to have him elected governor of Texas, whatever Texas is.  If I remember my geography correctly, Texas is the tumor that prevents New Mexico from having a coastline.

Anyway, then George’s family organized a group of power-brokers to forge another Bush presidency, because the first one wasn’t embarrassing enough to the family name…apparently.  Despite all the advantages of having virtually all of the corrupt behind the scenes DC players on his side, Dubya lost that election, and lost it by a sizable margin.

So, off to the courts!  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the American legal system, it’s a place where corrupt players always win.  Always.

And win they did, and George W. Bush, the stammering mushmouth from Midland was POTUS!  HOLY FUCKING SHIT!  What a day!

The only thing that’s moral in this story is the moral of the story.  If only I can find the words…

I think it’s this:  If you’re a lazy, drunk, coke-snorting West Texas idiot, it pays to have a wealthy and powerful family founded by a Nazi sympathizer.

George W. Bush’s grandfather, Prescott Bush, profited from businesses that funded Hitler’s rise to power.  Prescott Bush used those profits to fund his family’s political dynasty.  I won’t go into details.  I don’t like details.  Details are for people who take their Ritalin; I take India Pale Ale and really good tequila.  If you’re anal, google the Bush/Nazi intercourse.  I’ve read it all.  The evidence is clear.

Which brings me to my first point…I think.  I don’t count points because if I score more points than Michelle Malkin, won’t she cry?  And then, won’t I laugh at her?  I’m kidding.  I laugh at her every day.  I see her with her tongue on the bus window, and her name pinned to her shirt.  If not for the rise of Faux News and shrill right-wing punditry, that’s where she would be.

Instead, she’s the squawking sound…of something.  It’s not like fingernails on a chalkboard; that’s too old school.  It’s not like a fork on a plate; that’s too appetizing.  It’s more like fingernails or a fork on turgid penis.  I don’t even know, but she makes me laugh.  It’s probably the uncomfortable laugh of someone incapable of understanding the genius on display, an intelligence and perception light-years beyond my comprehension.

Ostensibly, she has a vagina.

Ostensibly, the Bush administration has brought the US closer to fascism than at any time in history.

Since you’re apparently in the mood to read, I recommend you read The Danger of American Fascism by Henry A. Wallace.  If you’re too lazy or too busy to read the whole article, let me create an enumerated list of the most important points.

The Danger of American Fascism

Henry A. Wallace

An article in the New York Times, April 9, 1944.
From Henry A. Wallace, Democracy Reborn (New York, 1944), edited by Russell Lord, p. 259.

1. On returning from my trip to the West in February, I received a request from The New York Times to write a piece answering the following questions:
   1. What is a fascist?
   2. How many fascists have we?
   3. How dangerous are they?
2. A fascist is one whose lust for money or power is combined with such an intensity of intolerance toward those of other races, parties, classes, religions, cultures, regions or nations as to make him ruthless in his use of deceit or violence to attain his ends. The supreme god of a fascist, to which his ends are directed, may be money or power; may be a race or a class; may be a military, clique or an economic group; or may be a culture, religion, or a political party.
3. The perfect type of fascist throughout recent centuries has been the Prussian Junker, who developed such hatred for other races and such allegiance to a military clique as to make him willing at all times to engage in any degree of deceit and violence necessary to place his culture and race astride the world. In every big nation of the world are at least a few people who have the fascist temperament. Every Jew-baiter, every Catholic hater, is a fascist at heart. The hoodlums who have been desecrating churches, cathedrals and synagogues in some of our larger cities are ripe material for fascist leadership.
4. The obvious types of American fascists are dealt with on the air and in the press. These demagogues and stooges are fronts for others. Dangerous as these people may be, they are not so significant as thousands of other people who have never been mentioned. The really dangerous American fascists are not those who are hooked up directly or indirectly with the Axis. The FBI has its finger on those. The dangerous American fascist is the man who wants to do in the United States in an American way what Hitler did in Germany in a Prussian way. The American fascist would prefer not to use violence. His method is to poison the channels of public information. With a fascist the problem is never how best to present the truth to the public but how best to use the news to deceive the public into giving the fascist and his group more money or more power.
5. If we define an American fascist as one who in case of conflict puts money and power ahead of human beings, then there are undoubtedly several million fascists in the United States. There are probably several hundred thousand if we narrow the definition to include only those who in their search for money and power are ruthless and deceitful. Most American fascists are enthusiastically supporting the war effort. They are doing this even in those cases where they hope to have profitable connections with German chemical firms after the war ends. They are patriotic in time of war because it is to their interest to be so, but in time of peace they follow power and the dollar wherever they may lead.
6. American fascism will not be really dangerous until there is a purposeful coalition among the cartelists, the deliberate poisoners of public information, and those who stand for the K.K.K. type of demagoguery.
7. The European brand of fascism will probably present its most serious postwar threat to us via Latin America. The effect of the war has been to raise the cost of living in most Latin American countries much faster than the wages of labor. The fascists in most Latin American countries tell the people that the reason their wages will not buy as much in the way of goods is because of Yankee imperialism. The fascists in Latin America learn to speak and act like natives. Our chemical and other manufacturing concerns are all too often ready to let the Germans have Latin American markets, provided the American companies can work out an arrangement which will enable them to charge high prices to the consumer inside the United States. Following this war, technology will have reached such a point that it will be possible for Germans, using South America as a base, to cause us much more difficulty in World War III than they did in World War II. The military and landowning cliques in many South American countries will find it attractive financially to work with German fascist concerns as well as expedient from the standpoint of temporary power politics.
8. Fascism is a worldwide disease. Its greatest threat to the United States will come after the war, either via Latin America or within the United States itself.
9. Still another danger is represented by those who, paying lip service to democracy and the common welfare, in their insatiable greed for money and the power which money gives, do not hesitate surreptitiously to evade the laws designed to safeguard the public from monopolistic extortion. American fascists of this stamp were clandestinely aligned with their German counterparts before the war, and are even now preparing to resume where they left off, after “the present unpleasantness” ceases:
10. The symptoms of fascist thinking are colored by environment and adapted to immediate circumstances. But always and everywhere they can be identified by their appeal to prejudice and by the desire to play upon the fears and vanities of different groups in order to gain power. It is no coincidence that the growth of modern tyrants has in every case been heralded by the growth of prejudice. It may be shocking to some people in this country to realize that, without meaning to do so, they hold views in common with Hitler when they preach discrimination against other religious, racial or economic groups. Likewise, many people whose patriotism is their proudest boast play Hitler’s game by retailing distrust of our Allies and by giving currency to snide suspicions without foundation in fact.
11. The American fascists are most easily recognized by their deliberate perversion of truth and fact. Their newspapers and propaganda carefully cultivate every fissure of disunity, every crack in the common front against fascism. They use every opportunity to impugn democracy. They use isolationism as a slogan to conceal their own selfish imperialism. They cultivate hate and distrust of both Britain and Russia. They claim to be super-patriots, but they would destroy every liberty guaranteed by the Constitution. They demand free enterprise, but are the spokesmen for monopoly and vested interest. Their final objective toward which all their deceit is directed is to capture political power so that, using the power of the state and the power of the market simultaneously, they may keep the common man in eternal subjection.
12. Several leaders of industry in this country who have gained a new vision of the meaning of opportunity through co-operation with government have warned the public openly that there are some selfish groups in industry who are willing to jeopardize the structure of American liberty to gain some temporary advantage. We all know the part that the cartels played in bringing Hitler to power, and the rule the giant German trusts have played in Nazi conquests. Monopolists who fear competition and who distrust democracy because it stands for equal opportunity would like to secure their position against small and energetic enterprise. In an effort to eliminate the possibility of any rival growing up, some monopolists would sacrifice democracy itself.
13. It has been claimed at times that our modern age of technology facilitates dictatorship. What we must understand is that the industries, processes, and inventions created by modern science can be used either to subjugate or liberate. The choice is up to us. The myth of fascist efficiency has deluded many people. It was Mussolini’s vaunted claim that he “made the trains run on time.” In the end, however, he brought to the Italian people impoverishment and defeat. It was Hitler’s claim that he eliminated all unemployment in Germany. Neither is there unemployment in a prison camp.
14. Democracy to crush fascism internally must demonstrate its capacity to “make the trains run on time.” It must develop the ability to keep people fully employed and at the same time balance the budget. It must put human beings first and dollars second. It must appeal to reason and decency and not to violence and deceit. We must not tolerate oppressive government or industrial oligarchy in the form of monopolies and cartels. As long as scientific research and inventive ingenuity outran our ability to devise social mechanisms to raise the living standards of the people, we may expect the liberal potential of the United States to increase. If this liberal potential is properly channeled, we may expect the area of freedom of the United States to increase. The problem is to spend up our rate of social invention in the service of the welfare of all the people.
15. The worldwide, agelong struggle between fascism and democracy will not stop when the fighting ends in Germany and Japan. Democracy can win the peace only if it does two things:
    1. Speeds up the rate of political and economic inventions so that both production and, especially, distribution can match in their power and practical effect on the daily life of the common man the immense and growing volume of scientific research, mechanical invention and management technique.
    2. Vivifies with the greatest intensity the spiritual processes which are both the foundation and the very essence of democracy.
16. The moral and spiritual aspects of both personal and international relationships have a practical bearing which so-called practical men deny. This dullness of vision regarding the importance of the general welfare to the individual is the measure of the failure of our schools and churches to teach the spiritual significance of genuine democracy. Until democracy in effective enthusiastic action fills the vacuum created by the power of modern inventions, we may expect the fascists to increase in power after the war both in the United States and in the world.
17. Fascism in the postwar inevitably will push steadily for Anglo-Saxon imperialism and eventually for war with Russia. Already American fascists are talking and writing about this conflict and using it as an excuse for their internal hatreds and intolerances toward certain races, creeds and classes.
18. It should also be evident that exhibitions of the native brand of fascism are not confined to any single section, class or religion. Happily, it can be said that as yet fascism has not captured a predominant place in the outlook of any American section, class or religion. It may be encountered in Wall Street, Main Street or Tobacco Road. Some even suspect that they can detect incipient traces of it along the Potomac. It is an infectious disease, and we must all be on our guard against intolerance, bigotry and the pretension of invidious distinction. But if we put our trust in the common sense of common men and “with malice toward none and charity for all” go forward on the great adventure of making political, economic and social democracy a practical reality, we shall not fail.

Okay, I cheated a little bit.  That was the whole letter.  I hope you enjoyed it.

The point is that the Bush administration fits this description of American fascists perfectly.

And finally, the Bush administration is going away.  Eight years of corruption, ineptitude, wild spending, pointless military adventures with loss as the only possible outcome, embarrassment, stupidity, rampant superstition, hatred, prejudice, fear, and greed could be ending.

It remains to be seen if there are salvageable pieces of this shipwreck.

I’m a bit skeptical, but Obama has great skills and abilities.

Tags: Bush, eisenhower, fascism, fascist, hitler, Inauguration, military-industrial complex, nazi, Obama, prescott bush, wallace

WASHINGTON, DC - Senator Dianne Feinstein, Chairman of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, today announced the program for the 56th Presidential Inauguration, which will take place on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol on January 20, 2009.

I find it amusing that there’s a Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies.  I wonder if they have a Majestic, All-Encompassing Caucus of Ridiculous Titles.

I wonder who presides over the Ministry of Silly Walks.

“I am delighted to announce this superb line-up of participants in the 2009 inaugural ceremonies,” said Senator Feinstein. “The inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama will be an event of historic proportion. It is appropriate that the program will include some of the world’s most gifted artists from a wide range of backgrounds and genres.”

I’m excited to hear what this superb line-up includes!  YAY!  Lee Greenwood, maybe?  Ricky Skaggs?  David Allen Coe?  Ted Nugent?  Which stellar right-wingers will those elderly, white buffoons bring to this rockin’ party?

Senator Feinstein…odd that she was once the Mayor of San Francisco.  She supports the Patriot Act, voted for the Iraq War, voted to fund said war with no timetable for withdrawal, joined Senate Republicans to neuter FISA protections, voted to confirm Michael Mukasey as Attorney General, voted to extend the Patriot Act, supports capital punishment, *SPONSORED* the Flag Desecration Amendment, and she *SPONSORED* a bill which would require satellite, internet, and cable broadcasters to incorporate DRM technologies into their broadcasts, the bitch.

All of this goofy Republicanism makes sense from a woman who’s married to Richard Blum, whose companies receive government contracts without bidding and which are treated favorably by the Department of Defense and the Department of Veterans Affairs.

I should also make mention of the fact that Mr. Blum loves to deal with the Chinese, and her votes can grease that machinery.

She knows who puts the caviar on her lightly-buttered toast points.

We all know.

The program participants were invited by the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies and chosen by the Chairman, the Presidential-elect and the Vice President-elect. In addition to Senator Feinstein, the members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies include: Senator Bob Bennett, Ranking Member of the Senate Rules Committee; Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi; House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer; and House Republican Leader John Boehner.

Whatever.  The members of my Joint Committee are as follows:  Snoop Dogg, Cheech and Chong, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Willie Nelson, and Emperor Shen-Nung.

Their members are old white douchebags.

The order of the program will be as follows:

Musical Selections
The United States Marine Band

Oh yeah!  Break out the e-bombs!  Let’s get cabbaged and listen to bangin’ tunes.  Maybe the tubas will emulate Justin Chancellor’s hypnotic, tribal bass lines from Schism or Forty-Six & 2.

Musical Selections
The San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus

With special guest Mark Foley, enraptured by the ‘music’.

I prefer Matt Foley.

Call to Order and Welcoming Remarks
The Honorable Dianne Feinstein

There’s not much more to say about Dianne.  She’s a poor choice for an historic inauguration.

Invocation
Dr. Rick Warren, Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA

Are you fucking kidding me?  This is just gross.  One can maybe understand Feinstein, though I would hardly preface her name with the title ‘Honorable’.  I would never preface Rick Warren’s name with the title ‘Dr’.  He’s a Doctor like Dr. Carl Baugh, the young earth creationist with whom Rick Warren shares more than a passing, coincidental ideological similarity.  They’re both idiots.

Rick Warren used his position as a powerful disseminator of mythological fabrications to shamelessly promote John McCain for President in a public forum, which Barack Obama was ignorant enough to attend.  Rick Warren is never going to support anyone other than a crazy, right-wing, creationist who’s just waiting around for Jesus to yank him into heaven.  It’s that simple.

Warren’s earthly reward for embarassing Obama?  The invitation to deliver the invocation at Obama’s inauguration.  It makes me wish I would have fought Obama at every turn.  I’d probably be the Secretary of Offense.

Certainly, there’s something to be said for keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, but no one in their right mind keeps their enemies this close.  This asshole will poison the casserole.

Invocation, in this case, presumably means that Warren will call upon some entity to perform some act.  I only hope that he calls upon Bumba, the African creator god of vomit, because I’ll be pumping bile into my lap as soon as Warren’s pudgy, evil faces flashes across that big, plasma TV.

Musical Selection
Aretha Franklin

She’s okay.  Not interesting, but okay.  A safe choice, but another Baptist preacher’s kid, just like Rick Warren.  Yuck.

Oath of Office Administered to Vice President-elect Joseph R. Biden, Jr.
By Associate Justice of the Supreme Court The Honorable John Paul Stevens

Bah.

Oath of Office Administered to President-elect Barack H. Obama
By the Chief Justice of the United States The Honorable John G. Roberts, Jr.

Humbug.  Roberts is an anus.  The Constitutional equivalent of a young earth creationist, lacking creativity, insight, vision, and the ability to think critically.

Why do these justices have pirate names?  Maybe they just sound like pirate names.  The Dread Pirate Roberts, for instance.

Musical Selection, John Williams, composer/arranger
Itzhak Perlman, Violin
Yo-Yo Ma, Cello
Gabriela Montero, Piano
Anthony McGill, Clarinet

Williams writes big Wagnerian pieces for TV and movies.  If you like Star Wars, his most famous composition is always in your head.

Inaugural Address
The President of the United States, The Honorable Barack H. Obama

I wonder if he’ll be interesting, or if he’ll be this bland, presidential muppet we’ve come to abhor.

Poem
Elizabeth Alexander

I don’t know anything about her.  She’s not old or white.  All I know is that all beat poets should be imprisoned, and Alexander wrote:

Emancipation

Corncob constellation,
oyster shell, drawstring pouch, dry bones.

Gris gris in the rafters.
Hoodoo in the sleeping nook.
Mojo in Linda Brent’s crawlspace.

Nineteenth century corncob cosmogram
set on the dirt floor, beneath the slant roof,
left intact the afternoon
that someone came and told those slaves

“We’re free.”

I once wrote:

Scary clown

Capacious footwear slapping out a warning to the children

Here I am!

Fear me, for I am Clown!

Ghastly red protuberance—the nose,

A conspicuous beacon to the vigilant

Laugh children!

Laugh while you can!

Inconsiderable, astigmatic eyes reflecting newfound terror in a once adoring crowd

Inevitably, the onslaught ensues

Run children! Under the tables!

So many places to hide knives in a clown suit!

Glinting blades emerge from billowing trousers, from the shoes, from the fibrous orange hair

Ronald McDonald gone mad, another birthday ruined

That was published.  Not all poetry is good just because it’s in a book.

Benediction
The Reverend Dr. Joseph E. Lowery

The Reverend is an interesting choice of a mythological bookend to Rick Warren.  On the one end, Warren is a flabby white conservative.  On the other end, Lowery said, at Coretta Scott King’s funeral, in from of four presidents, including Dubya, “We know now there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Coretta knew and we know that there are weapons of misdirection right down here. Millions without health insurance. Poverty abounds. For war billions more but no more for the poor!”

The National Anthem
The United States Navy Band “Sea Chanters”

Yay.  The funeral dirge in Bb Major, everybody’s favorite drinking tune, now with added bombs bursting in air.

If only they were Jager Bombs.

Tags: Alexander, Aretha Franklin, Biden, Bob Bennett, Boys Chorus, Bumba, Cheech, Chief Justice Roberts, Chong, David Allen Coe, Dread Pirate Roberts, Emperor Shen-Nung, Feinstein, Girls Chorus, Harry Reid, Inauguration, Jager bomb, John Boehner, John Paul Stevens, Justin Chancellor, Lee Greenwood, Lowery, Mark Foley, Matt Foley, McGill, Michael Mukasey, Montero, Nancy Pelosi, Navy Band, Obama, Perlman, Richard Blum, Rick Warren, Ricky Skaggs, Saddleback, Schwarzenegger, Snoop Dogg, Steny Hoyer, Ted Nugent, TOOL, Williams, Willie Nelson, Yo-Yo Ma

The following post was actually sent as a comment to Hot Free Press by one Heath Watts, a loyal reader and prolific offender.

Rather than include it in Hot Free Press as a comment, where it wouldn’t be seen or read, I’ve decided to post it.  It still won’t be seen or read because nobody likes Hot Free Press.

Enjoy Mr. Watts’ offering.  It combines the disparate fields of football and Astrobiology.  It is as offensive to football fans as it is to Astrobiologists, Reverends, Joe Paterno, sled dogs, and The Baby Jesus.

It is, at once, entertaining and scientifically rigorous.

The University of Washington, along with The Pennsylvania State University are two of the few campuses in the U.S. that offer a Ph.D. program or graduate certificate in Astrobiology.

Astrobiology is the science that develops the criteria too search for the evidence of extraterrestrial life. My first hypothesis is that the Astrobiology departments at these two schools have been diverting funding away from their respective football programs. Since Penn State is much closer to many urban centers (Philadelphia, NYC, and D.C.) they have felt less of the brunt of this misappropriation of funds than UW has.

Another hypothesis is that the researchers at Penn State have actually found extraterrestrial life and have been using the advanced space technology to keep Joe Paterno alive and winning. Searching for life on planets other than earth is a sin against the Baby Jesus, because he created life on earth and only earth in the whole universe. Amen! So, my first and second hypotheses are nonsense, because they defy scriptural logic.

More likely, I feel and believe that the people at UW have found the Lord!

It has been suggested by the great minds of the Right Reverends Falwell and Robertson that one can actually turn gay. If one watches young men prance about a field trying to grab a ball while wearing tight pants, that seems like a recipe to make the Baby Jesus Cry out “Gay, Gay, Gay!!!”.

By having a losing team at UW, it risks less people turning gay in Seattle, which is already under siege from its Wizard of Oz inspired nickname of The Emerald City.

My best hypothesis is that by having a bad football team at UW, Seattle is saving the souls of its citizens and many fans, and is additionally preventing Seattle from sharing the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Tags: Astrobiology, Emerald City, football, Huskies, Jesus, Paterno, Penn State, Seattle, SETI, University of Washington

I’ve been lobbying for Mike Leach to replace the inept Tyrone Willingham as the Washington Huskies football coach for most of the season.  Leach would have brought a tsunami of offense to the Pacific Northwest, and he would have made the kind of splash and headlines that the floundering UW program so desperately needs.

I don’t know which side ended the talks, but if UW offered Mike Leach the position and he turned it down, it’s a decision he’ll regret for the rest of his career.  Leach is topped out at Texas Tech.  The Texas Tech program is topped out.

Texas Tech is in Texas.  As if that isn’t bad enough, it’s in Lubbock, TX.  Other things in Lubbock, TX?  Don’t feel bad; I can’t come up with anything, either.

For those of you who don’t know, the University of Washington is in Seattle.  Seattle is one of the few things I love that won’t fit in my carry-on.  The University of Washington has a proud football history.  Unfortunately, after years of mismanagement, it’s all history.

The Huskies, since the 1950’s, are, on average, a 7-4 team.  Under Willingham, the Huskies are averaging 3-9 seasons.  That’s unacceptable anywhere.  At UW, it’s an abomination.

I’ve created the following table to compare all-time great coaches (Bryant, Paterno, and Bowden) to successful modern coaches (Meyer, Carroll, and Leach) to floundering, overpaid modern coaches who brought nothing but gridiron despair to the universities which so richly rewarded them (Willingham and Weis).

It’s fascinating how evenly-matched Paterno and Bowden are.  Even the rating, calculated from their records and years of experience, is dead even.

It would appear from these calculations that an average yearly record of 9-2 is the best winning percentage which is sustainable over the long-term.  Over shorter periods, Bryant, Paterno, and Bowden had fewer than 2 or 3 losses, but that’s the way it works over the long-term.  If that’s what Bear Bryant, the coaching gold standard, averaged over his long career, it’s likely that 9-2 is the best pace any coach can maintain over his career.

There are other coaches with outstanding records, Bud Wilkinson and Barry Switzer of Oklahoma, Tom Osborne of Nebraska, and Knute Rockne of Notre Dame.  My choice of Bear Bryant as the coaching gold standard is subjective and may change before I finish writing this article, but in 38 years as a head coach for 4 different teams, the only place he didn’t win a championship was Maryland, and he was only there for one year.  Bryant had one losing season in 38 years, his first season at Texas A&M.  The next year his team was 7-2-1.  In his third season, they were 9-0-1 and champions of the Southwest Athletic Conference.

Bryant was 5-4-1 in his first year at Alabama, a team which had won a total of 4 games in the previous three years.

The man brought winning with him.

That’s a great coach.

Steve Sarkisian has great potential.

He is not yet a great coach.

Steve Sarkisian is, apparently, the new head coach of the University of Washington Huskies football team.

I’m disappointed that it’s not Mike Leach, but, after wiping away my tears and looking at the choice, I think it’s a good one…as second choices go.

Sarkisian is young, energetic, and demanding.  He will demand effort, something the Huskies rarely offered over the last few seasons.

Sarkisian learned offense at BYU, an offensive school in so many ways, where he studied under Norm Chow, a renowned architect of offense.

Sarkisian learned defense under Pete Carroll, the man who brought defense to the Pac-10.  If Sarkisian thrived in the frenetic USC coaching staff under the hyperkinetic Pete Carroll, you know what kind of manic energy he’ll bring to every practice and every game.  The Huskies need energy.  These dawgs aren’t sleeping; they’re comatose.

Sarkisian knows the Pac-10.  Sarkisian knows how to win in the Pac-10.  His Trojans have dominated since Carroll took over the program in 2001.

But, how well does Sarkisian know the Pac-10?  His old mentor, Norm Chow, is now the offensive coordinator at UCLA.  His old boss, obviously, is Pete Carroll at USC.  The man who recruited him to play quarterback at BYU is DeWayne Walker, now the defensive coordinator at UCLA.

If all that’s not enough familiarity with the Pac-10, there’s those years of studying Pac-10 opponents as the USC offensive coordinator.

There’s no question that he’s qualified, and there’s no doubt that he can handle the pressure.  Nobody who works for Pete Carroll is a slug or a wallflower.

Certainly, Sarkisian must also understand that this has to happen quickly.  UW fans are out of patience.  They waited 2 years too long for the Willingham miracle that never came.  Of course it never came.  The data indicates that Willingham, over a 14 year head coaching career, is a 5-6 coach.  That’s a lot of data, and the results are clear.  Willingham is not a qualified head coach.

It’s time to find out if Steve Sarkisian is.

Tags: Alabama, Bear Bryant, Bowden, Bryant, Carroll, Chow, Huskies, Husky, Leach, Meyer, Paterno, Pear Bryant, Sarkisian, Seattle, Washington, Weis, Willingham