The Republican convention is fascinating to me, more so than the Democratic convention. It wasn’t fascinating enough to detract me from Gustav the first, abbreviated night, but it was interesting enough to pull me away from Family Guy reruns. Part of the reason I’m fascinated is that they’re a trainwreck of old white people. The other reason is that I used to be one of them, not an old white person, but a Republican. Then I became a Libertarian, and finally a realist. This is where I plan to stay.
I saw some shit that would have curled my hair if I had any.
First there was one of those creepy flagellation videos. There was a girl who might have been Meg Griffin. She was a flag worshipper. I think that’s sacrilegious. 9/11! Holy Shit, they already brought up 9/11! Flabby fear mongers everywhere jiggle with glee.
I was watching PBS because it’s the choice of people who want to hear smart people discuss the conventions. Mark Shields said that this year there’s a bipartisan agreement to leave kids out of the swamp. There wasn’t that agreement when McCain famously asked why Chelsea Clinton was so ugly. The answer, if you wonder, is because her Dad is Janet Reno. He’s one funny heinous monstrosity!
David Brooks brought up the questions about whether Sarah Palin is a good Mom. The question is probably legitimate only insofar as her decision-making process is concerned. She apparently chose her own ambitions over the safety and security of her pregnant teenage daughter. McCain chose Palin in a very similar cynical power grab.
The reason all questions are valid when asked of Republicans is that they’ve set themselves up as the party of perfect families over the last 30 years. Once you represent yourself as infallible as the bible, you become the party of hypocrisy because mankind is not perfect. Mankind is fun. So, yeah, I say ask away.
Another bit of Bush/McCain/Cheney/Palin (BMCP) hypocrisy is Palin’s claim that she eschewed earmarks and pork. As the influential Mayor of Wasilla, Palin secured earmarks. As Governor of Alaska, Palin was against earmarks. It would seem, then, that she turned on her own small hometown. Also, no dedicated reader of the bible likes pork.
Then there was a really funny thing where Tucker Bounds said McCain was about change! I laugh out louded! Later, I realized that this was going to be a theme of their convention. The Republicans are so very old and so very white that, to them, McCain represents change.
Michelle Bachmann came out in a bright yellow dress, I think. I have a plasma TV, so I should be sure, but I’m not. She has a creepy, discomfiting speaking style. Later, I realized that that’s also a theme of the Republican convention. I remember it now from years past. Michelle believes in intelligent design, but not for her clothing. She went to a law school that was, when still around, affiliated with Oral Roberts University. Maybe the Coburn School of Law didn’t raise enough money, and it was called home. Doubtless, it was called collect. Michelle once said something about Nancy Pelosi not needing to save the world, as someone did that over 2,000 years ago. Someone who forgot about, well, all the modern inconvenient truths.
Wes Gullett paraded out with a cute kid Cindy McCain sold to him. It’s always nice when people use their kids for political gain, and every politician does. That’s you, too, Michelle Obama. Palin, you have too many for it to be cute. It’s a little weird, you’re more Mormon than Mitt. And you’re a hot grandma, a GILF, if you will, and I’m sure you will, at least in my mind. Anyway, back to Gullett. He’s a rich lobbyist buddy of McCain’s. McCain has a lot of lobbyists in his entourage. Gullett was involved in some shady land swap between the federal government and some McCain supporters. I don’t know the details. I just dig up vague generalities and let people with journalistic standards and OCD fill in the details to their hearts’ content. It’s a nice touch that Gullett’s kid is brown.
David Brooks pointed out that no one near McCain expected Palin. To me, that says that McCain doesn’t take the wise counsel of his own advisors. That sounds like a loose cannon more than a maverick. Careful when treading that line, John.
Captain Shanna Hanson of the Minneapolis Fire Department came out next. At one time or another, I guess everyone at the MFD came out. Shanna was a hero when that bridge collapsed in Minneapolis. I love irony, and there’s delicious irony in speaking to a roomful of people who don’t want to spend money on infrastructure, when you were saving people after a vital piece of infrastructure collapsed. I won’t blame the Republicans. I’ll just point out that they don’t want to spend money on domestic projects. They want to spend money on wars. Shanna was involved in some dyke drama and lawsuits at the MFD.
The Republicans are trotting out an awful lot of women. They seem to be fishing for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit. Republicans used to be fishers of men. Palin’s handsome husband is a fisherman.
The Republicans trotted out one of their so-called Democrats next. To make it even more ridiculous, he’s Hispanic. Tommy Espinoza supports McCain, a Republican. He must want to be deported. He should keep in mind that although McCain’s position on immigration isn’t as extreme as the general position of his party, it is the party that controls the nominee, and not the other way around. Espinoza made much of Jesus, Catholicism, and his mastery of the Spanish language. This should appeal to other self-loathing Hispanics who want to be arrested by Joe Arpaio and deported, or have their families deported. I think he was wearing a big cross. Supporting McCain is the biggest cross he had to bear.
McCain’s cell mate was there. They were probably tortured together. But, now that McCain has adopted the Bush position that torture is cool, let’s say they were deeply tickled by their sadistic captors. The old guy said something about Saddlebrook. I think he meant Saddleback. That’s Rick Warren’s cult. Warren set up a forum to make Obama look bad in front of thousands of people who already hated him. That was an act of genius.
Laura Bush was there, giving a shout out to the J-Man or something. She said Dubya kept us safe. 9/11!!!!! I wish I were still a young drunk. I could be playing the 9/11 drinking game that destroyed my liver at the last Republican convention. Laura reaffirmed the Republican niche as the party of primitive, superstitious, militarists. That wasn’t entirely surprising.
Dubs came on the big screen. He said McCain was a respected officer from the get go. That’s debatable. Check it out on ‘The Google’, if you’re a curious type. Dubs ran through the litany of fears that bind the old guys together. ‘Angry left’, human life must be defended (unless it’s cannon fodder), make my crazy tax cuts permanent, lift drilling ban. Then he talked about some painting he has of a sunrise. It’s probably a Wal-Mart original. He murmured about sunrise and optimism. It sounded like a pitch for Obama.
What do Laura Bush and Cindy McCain have in common? There’s something strange about their eyes. I know what it is. You can figure it out.
Big Fred T waddled out on stage. I think he started out making a case for McCain like Arthur Branch. He seems to have marbles in his mouth. He sounds like a hillbilly Brando in The Godfather. Thompson is thankful for freedom and prosperity, which doubtless he has in abundance as a mega millionaire Hollywood star and former Senator. Most people don’t have quite as much of either. He attacks the media, sticks up for Palin. He’s acting like he got into the NoDoz.
Fred mentions that only Sarah Palin and Teddy Roosevelt knew, as candidates, how to properly field dress a moose. That’s very appealing to bright women everywhere. She killed Bullwinkle. She’s a less inept Natasha Fatale! That makes McCain Boris Badenov, and Bush and Cheney can complete the Bullwinkle allegory as Fearless Leader and Mr. Big. Maybe Obama is Bullwinkle and Biden is Rocket J. Squirrel. Tune in next week to find out! Let’s hope the Republicans don’t pull a bin Laden rabbit out of their collective hats.
Yada, yada, yada. Fred talks about the military roots of John McCain. McCain’s Mom is there. She looks healthy and alert. She’ll probably vote for Obama, so John doesn’t get drafted and go back to war.
Thompson tries to make McCain look cool by pointing out how much he got into trouble, his demerits and his rebellion. He sounds like someone who lacks self-control. Then he affirms that McCain only cares about the military and military people.
He talks about McCain’s flying and a fire on the Forestal. This is where the McCain story gets interesting. It’s also where Freddie Dalton Thompson slides from Arthur Branch into Rear Admiral Joshua Painter. I never knew Fred Thompson to slide into the rear of another man. Now, the guy from The Hunt for Red October is reminding us of Top Gun and the Maverick character played so immemorably by Tom Cruise. He was reckless and pretty annoying.
McCain’s Hanoi Hilton story is as awful as advertised. It’s odd that he so wants to send other young men and women off to fight wars and be tortured. Thompson retells the story of how, when pressed, McCain gave his interrogators the names of the Packers O-line. McCain said one time that it was the Steelers’ defensive line. In his movie, it was the Packers. Oh well. All it proves is that torture squeezes out false information, even 40 years later.
Thompson is really playing up McCain’s military experience. It’s funny how they played down John Kerry’s just a few years ago. Whatever’s politically expedient, I guess.
Freddie Dalton Thompson as Rear Admiral Joshua Painter moves on to attack Obama. Wait, now he’s Arthur Branch, and he needs to lay off the Red Bull. But, without it, Thompson is narcoleptic. Who is he? Can we trust him with the presidency? I’m starting to wonder the same thing about McCain. The crowd chants, “USA! USA!”, like it’s the finals of the men’s floor exercise.
Here comes the character assassination. The Republicans like to talk about character. It’s an obsession for those who have it least. 30 years of saying Democrats have no character. Yuck.
Then Thompson insulted Obama for being a smooth talker. It’s all set up for McCain losing every debate and looking bad at every speech. Of course McCain looks bad; that Obama guy is a smooth talker! Obama’s liberal, inexperienced, raises taxes, will put gaycommiegunhatingbabykillers on the Supreme Court. Then he says more stuff about taxes and something about a bucket of water. I think someone should splash him with one. He’s red in the face. Too much caffeine.
Holy shit! Here comes something about abortion and Saddleback! The crowd goes wild, much like a crowd at a gay pride parade would go apeshit if you said something about Bareback Church.
Finally, there’s a big hand for the turncoat Joe Lieberman, once a hero of his own party, then sent away by intelligent Connecticutters, then elected as an Independent by…the same people who just turned him out. It doesn’t make sense. He was backed by big, conservative causes though. Oh wait. It’s Willie Tanner from Alf.
Willie talks about how we’re all Americans in the wake of Gustav. It’s funny that nobody in Louisiana was an American during Katrina, but then that wasn’t a presidential election year. He talks about threats from enemies abroad. He says Democrats and Republicans fight each other instead of for Americans. Willie calls himself a Democrat at the Republican convention. That’s patently offensive. As a Democrat, Connecticut sent him home. As an Independent, Connectitucky sent Mr. Tanner back to Washington. He said 9/11 was a natural disaster, then called it an unnatural disaster. There isn’t a dry lap in the house when someone mentions 9/11. It’s Chicken Meth for the Conservative Soul.
Tanner patronizes Obama, accuses him of being partisan, but admits that maybe when he grows up and turns white and rabidly conservative he’ll accomplish great nothing, like all conservatives accomplish.
Willie Tanner says Obama wanted to cut off funding for the troops, like he was going to leave them in Iraq, helpless and unarmed. Willie apparently travels a lot with McCain and McCain’s lapdog Lindsey Graham.
Finally, Joseph Lieberman makes an appeal to Democrats and Independents to abandon everything they believe in and vote for a radical right-wing Republican. I threw up in my mouth. Technically, it wasn’t even in my mouth, it was all over my white t-shirt and pink shorts. I must be one of those limp-wristed, effete liberals you’ve heard so much about. I was wearing flip-flops to honour McCain and his many changes of direction.
Why in the fuck would Democrats and Independents vote for someone who represents their polar opposite on every serious issue? Lieberman’s not only a douchebag, he’s fucktarded.
I’m going to bed.
Tags: Arthur Branch, Biden, Brando, Cindy McCain, David Brooks, democrat, Forestal, Fred Thompson, Joseph Lieberman, Joshua Painter, Laura Bush, Mark Shields, Maverick, McCain, Michelle Bachmann, Obama, Packers, Palin, republican, Roberta McCain, Saddleback, Saddlebrook, Shanna Hanson, Steelers, The Hunt for Red October, Thompson, Tom Espinoza, Top Gun, Vietnam, Wes Gullett, Willie Tanner
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