I’m pretty tired of this. I already know what they’re going to say.
I’ve been telling people for years that the Republican party is the party of Hate, Greed, and Fear. Tonight is the night I was proven correct by the choice of speakers, but I have to admit that my order was incorrect. It is, apparently, the party of Greed, Hate, and Fear.
Tonight, Mitt Romney from the Greed wing, Mike Huckabee from the Hate wing, and Rudolph Giuliani from the Fear wing all rev up this standing room only crowd for Sarah Palin, who appeals to all three wings.
Mitt threw a hard right with this speech. That’s what the thinking, feeling, and working class has come to expect and despise from this party of the wacky right. Mitt and the other Republicans will fight to divide the United States. Funny thing that they’ve chosen Country First as a slogan. Most Americans will never see the irony.
He starts by trying to divide the United States into East and West. He does this because the West is rapidly wising up and looking toward Obama. He mocks the Eastern elites. Wasn’t this LDS-bot the governor of Massachusetts? Does it get any more Eastern elite than Massachusetts?
Greed. He hates unions, the environment, and the government. Ironically, the very government that made his family wealthy beyond description. That’s a recurring theme among Republicans. They hate the government, yet they ride it to fabulous wealth and power.
Division. Liberals versus conservatives, people versus the government. When is someone going to remind the Republicans that when we, the people, are allowed to vote in free elections, we are, in fact, the government? He says liberal again. He says something about government spending. I don’t have the data at my fingertips (I actually do, but I expect you rugged individuals to look it up yourselves.), but I believe government spending skyrockets out of control under Republican presidents, as does the deficit.
USA! USA! There’s that chant again. Mitt helped to organize the Mormolympics in Salt Lake City, Utah, where they cling to guns and religion.
Terrorism.
God.
Thanks Mitt!
Where’s the Huckster? Here he is, the adorable former fatty!
David Huckabee, Mike’s son, hung a dog when he was a camp counselor. Then Mike used his power to pressure the state police to deny the local prosecutors the information they requested. David also had a loaded gun in his carry-on at Little Rock Airport. Surely, Rudy and J. Sidney McCain would consider that an act of terrorism. Search ‘The Google’ images for a picture of David. Also search for Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
Finally, search for Carla Bruni, the first lady of France. Now there’s a first lady. Nikolas, I’m so jealous!
Huckabee gave a shout out to civil rights. He’s kind of patronizing and disingenuous, and those aren’t his strong points. He’s no Mitt Romney or Rudy Giuliani. Huck’s at his best when he’s hatin’ on gays and the choices women get to make…for now.
Huck says something about taxes. There’s a stunner. He tries to appeal to working people with the change offered by McCain. The very change that’s losing them their asses under Bush is now being offered by McCain through the Huckster.
Oh boy. He’s bringing up Obama’s European Vacation. You’d think Barack just did a Bavarian folk dance and then got the car stuck in a medieval arch. Here’s some hate. Ironically, it’s about Europe. Xenophobia is very sexy in this crowd of wide-eyed Caucasians.
Huck claims his heroes growing up were Jesus, Elvis, and FDR. Huckabee was born in 1955. FDR died 10 years earlier. I think he would have done well to leave out Elvis and FDR in front of this crowd, but it seems there’s some game afoot in which the Republicans try to steal popular Democrats and adopt them as their own. I hope the Democrats don’t try to adopt James Inhofe and Tom Coburn.
Anyway, Huck says he’s a Republican because he didn’t want to be poor and wait around for the government to help him. That’s what all Democrats do, you know. Furthermore, we all know he’s a Republican because it’s the party of the J-Man. We also all know he’s rich and famous because of his stint in government.
Gay marriage. Abortion. Oh hell yeah!
Huck now says that Palin got more votes running for Mayor of Wasilla than Biden got running for President. Maybe. Who knows? More importantly, who cares? In his last 3 Senate runs, Biden has received 410,636 votes. It looks like Palin got 114,697 when she ran for governor of Alaska. It would seem that they receive roughly the same amount of votes per run, then.
Huck said something about McCain’s call to service, which is misleading. It’s not like the man was drafted. He rode the family name into the Naval Academy where he performed just well enough to get by.
Finally, Huck told a story about a teacher named Martha, or something, who told her students that soldiers paid for their desks. That’s a bit, well, stupid. The Bush/McCain war may have spent the money that should have been spent on desks, but those soldiers she paraded in to satisfy her need to indoctrinate her students have nothing whatsoever to do with Arkansas school desks. Before the Clinton governorship, I’m not sure Arkansas had desks at all, or schools.
Here comes the governor of Hawaii, Linda Lingle! God, this is exciting! I had no idea there were any Republicans in Hawaii. She states that Sarah Palin is a good person who’s comfortable in her skin. I have no disagreement with that. And fine skin, it is.
Linda, never a cunning Lingle, told the questionable story about Palin’s youngest child’s birth. It’s not quite a virgin birth, but it doesn’t sound quite right.
Lingle’s chief of staff, a Democrat who flip-flopped to work for a Republican, stepped down under questions about bribery and extortion. That’s all I know about it. I’m not willing to do the legwork. To me, it just kind of speaks for itself.
Lingle insults Obama for being an excellent speaker. Imagine if the Democrats insulted McCain for being an excellent…what is he…crazy old guy?
Biden and Obama have zero executive experience. The crowd chants, “Zero! Zero!” It’s as if they’re summoning a Japanese fighter plane. A World War II style attack would certainly call for a response from a modern man like J. Sidney McCain.
Lingle says Obama and Biden don’t know budgets. As they are Senators, that seems a bit specious. I want to correct that. It’s not specious, it’s fallacious. Settle down, Bill, I didn’t write fellatio. Now, the Republicans can attack me for using fancy words. I am so out of touch!
Lingle squawks and waves her arms, looking and sounding like an angry nesting crow. That wasn’t appealing in any way, except to horny male crows looking for sexy fun times.
Lingle makes fun of Delaware’s size. Size matters to the suddenly cunning Lingle. She says Sarah has broad appeal, which I can only assume means that she hopes Sarah will appeal to broads. That’s unlikely, what with her extremist views on, ummm, everything.
McCain’s a maverick. Cue the Top Gun Anthem, God Damnit! Huckabee could play the instrumental if he wasn’t a fucking bass player.
Here comes the Fear section of the Greed, Hate, and Fear Convention. It’s Rudy! Yippee! Three seconds in, and no mention of 9/11? Clearly he’s a changed goofball. Why isn’t he wearing a dress? The fearful oldsters are really ripping it up for Rudy. He mentions that we always say that the current election is the most important in our lifetime, but then he runs with that old cliché. Gay.
Rudy attacks the left wing media, which I assume means the online version of Mother Jones-which is slightly left-of-center-because other than that there is not even a left-leaning media to be found. It’s weird to attack the media and Hollywood after they created you, Rudy. You’re biting the hand that feeds you. The crowd loves it, though, launching into that goofy ‘USA!’ chant again. I feel somewhat embarrassed, then I remember that I’m not chanting along. If this were the finals of the floor exercise, you bet I would be.
Rudy says we should look at their resumes. I’ll do that. He says one guy’s an Ivy Leaguer. He was a community organizer. The crowd of overweight middle managers guffaws. They don’t even know what a community organizer is. And, unless they inherited the affirmative action of family background, they couldn’t have gotten an Ivy League education, either. What a bunch of fuckwads. And so is Rudy for belittling Obama.
Giuliani, like so many Republican war-mongers, opted out of the Vietnam conflict in which McCain suffered so terribly.
Now, Rudy tells me McCain’s a war hero, and the other guy is a nancy-boy community organizer. I’ll pick the young, adroit guy every time.
Suddenly, Rudy looks like Kommandant Klink. I guess it’s the ceaseless war talk.
Rudy mocks Obama for voting present. John McCain has missed 63.8% of his Senate votes in the 110th Congress. Tim Johnson of South Dakota has only missed 48.7%, and he had a brain hemorrhage. Perhaps Tim Johnson is a hero?
Yeah, Obama’s a celebrity. Unlike McCain, I guess, the media’s favorite politician for 25 years.
Now Rudy says something about crisis, and I almost climax. I’m thinking 9/11 is here, baby! It’s a false alarm. He warms up the crowd though. They’re scanning the skies for Zeroes.
Rudy looks old and mean. It’s appropriate, and it will appeal to the base.
Rudy now mentions Hillary’s 3:00 AM ad which Republicans love. The thing is, have you ever tried to awaken an old man with serious PTSD at three o’ clock in the morning? Don’t try it. I’m warning you.
Rudy says our children are safe in McCain’s hands. I don’t believe our wives are, judging from his past.
Rudy says change isn’t a destination, and hope isn’t a strategy. For some reason, Huckabee looks pissed.
The Kommandant continues with the usual nonsense about taxes. He barks for nuclear power. I think I saw Homer Simpson in that crowd, but not with so much skin color.
Now the crowd chants, “Drill, baby drill!” Disco inferno. And everyone there is against partial birth abortion. It’s rich, old people chanting for environmental destruction.
Supposedly, John McCain can save the economy. Ostensibly, by using Bush/Cheney economic policies, because that is the McCain plan, but most importantly, Rudy argues, McCain will keep fighting the Global War for Oil for 100 years! That might be the skyline of NYC behind ol’ Rudy up there on that big screen. Where are the twin towers? Mmmm…he said 9/11. Now I need to clean up.
The troop surge was effective. McCain is no quitter. When he sees we’re doing something wrong, he redoubles his efforts and stays on the same path.
He says McCain would rather lose an election than win a war. That’s interesting in that it’s another way of saying that McCain will wield the American military machine at his command, even against the will and better judgment of the American people.
Rudy says something about all of us being Georgians. We’re not. The Republicans seem to favor a war with Russia over the Georgia incursion. Rudy recommends that Obama call McCain for foreign policy advice.
He might do that from the oval office. JFK called Ike for advice about the Cuban Missile Crisis.
A consultant’s role is a good role for old warriors.
Rudy mentioned people clinging to religion. Do you know why he didn’t mention clinging to guns? It’s because Rudy’s big into gun control. Or at least he was for it before he was against it.
Did Cindy McCain and Todd Palin just reproduce?
Sarah’s here! Yay! I wish she dressed sexier, but then that would ruin it for the flour sack Republicans who cling to guns and religion.
Sarah started her life in Sandpoint, ID. It’s pretty up there. It’s Mark Fuhrman territory. Some of the people aren’t that bad.
I think Todd loves her! You can see it in his eyes when he looks at her. It almost looks real. That’s refreshing.
Now, onto the Obama-bashing!
She brings up that McCain would rather lose an election than lose a war thing. Again, that just says that he’s willing to wage a pointless war against the will of the American people. Not a great selling-point unless you’re into dictatorships.
Her son is joining the military. He looks scared. He should be. If John McCain and mother Palin have their way, Track will be fighting somewhere. That’s a guarantee. Iraq for 100 years, according to McCain, but he also has sung about bombing Iran. There will be plenty of war for young Mr. Palin.
OMG! Track Palin deploys a week from tomorrow…is that…9/11! Yes! I’m so hot!
Roll out the husband and kids, Sarah. There ya go! Todd’s a handsome man. The kids are all cute, even the pregnant one. Sarah has just proven her ability to reproduce. That’s a leadership quality in the eyes of her constituency.
She makes an appeal to the parents of children with special needs. That’s very cool, and I’m touched. The thing is, and Sarah, knows this, is that Republicans don’t do social programs. If Sarah wants to help less-fortunate parents of special needs children, she’s going to have to do it with her own hands, and they seem to be full.
Todd, like Mike Gundy, is a man! He is a commercial fisherman, an oil guy, and a champion snow machine racer. That’s the difference between the real men, Republicans, and limp-wristed liberals like myself. He’s a man! I do needlepoint and write silly stories and sip chai tea while a do tai chi.
Sarah shows us her parents. I think Chuck Heath-who has a very manly, American name-was a science teacher. I bet it wasn’t creation science, which is what Sarah wants kids to learn in school.
Now Sarah compares herself to Harry Truman. That’s weird. The stealing Democrats buck should stop right here. It’s desperate and offensive.
She cheers for small town America. I grew up there. Many people did. Certainly, small town America is pretty cool. There are a lot of great people there. It’s also desolate, lonely, and oppressive. Vive la no difference! And if you are different, creative, outspoken, gay, or anything other than a clinger to religion and guns, prepare to be run out of town.
Now she put lipstick on a pit bull. That must be an Alaskan tradition. If there’s video, it could lose her the Michael Vick vote.
She’s mocking Obama for being a community organizer. This is going to come back and haunt them. It’s not funny and it’s not appealing. It’s offensive. Paradoxically, it would appear that these aren’t people who are at all familiar with the idea of community.
She attacks the media for questioning her. I guess Sarah Louse Heath Palin, former governor of Wasilla, AK, is beyond reproach. That’s the same front they’re putting up for McCain. Gross. Prepare to be questioned, you babies.
Sarah Palin is much more appealing than Hillary Clinton in her look and speech pattern. Unfortunately, this is all people know about her, and it’ll work for a while. She will become less appealing as people learn about her extremist right-wing, anti-science views.
She promises that she and John will veto a lot of spending. That will hurt the very small towns she just kissed up to. Incongruent.
Palin says thanks but no thanks to the Bridge to Nowhere. It was a bridge to somewhere. Those people in that small town want and need the bridge. And, she was in favor of it, and then turned on the very small town folks she claims to care about.
She seems to turn on people almost like a Barracuda. Hmmm…
Palin apparently believes that there is enough oil and gas in Alaska’s North Slope to provide energy independence to the United States even if the supply from Venezuela, Russia, and the Persian Gulf is interrupted. I’m not a petroleum engineer, but I know that’s bullshit. Drilling is a good idea in some locations. Protect the sensitive areas, and drill where drilling is already allowed. Then, wait 10 years or so for your labour to bear fruit. In the meantime, develop the energy sources of the future. Oil and gas are energy sources of the past. Republicans cling to oil and gas like they cling to guns and religion.
I like to listen to her talk about laying pipe, but she’s frighteningly fertile.
Sarah attacks Obama for speaking well, being thoughtful and intelligent. Then, I think she compared him to Moses or something. It was weird.
Obama wants to read terrorists their rights. Or maybe Obama doesn’t want people tortured because he’s actually listened to John McCain’s story.
Whoo hoo! Here come the tax scares! OMG! Palin is nothing if not an original thinker. She’s nothing then, because she’s clearly not an original thinker. Conservatives never are.
She begs Ohio, Michigan, West Virginia, and Minnesota for help. The Republicans know they need those states. That seemed interpolated like a line in the Gospel According to Saint Sarah, inserted by pollster Frank Luntz.
Ha! Sarah says McCain’s career has been dedicated to change! Please explain, Sarah, using lucid narrative and ample examples. What? Done already? That’s what I thought.
These Republicans preach to the choir here in the hall. Then they attack Obama for…preaching to the choir. They’re a jealous bunch. Is that a sin? The Elephants are coveting their neighbours, the Asses.
Harry Reid doesn’t like McCain. The crowd goes wild. Unfortunately, McCain’s own party mates think he’s wacky and dangerous and unlikable, too. That’ll all come out soon enough. I hope people listen.
Some guy who was in the Hanoi Hilton with McCain watched him smile and give the thumbs up after being tortured. That’s why McCain wants more and longer wars, so everyone can experience what he experienced.
Palin kid, you’re up!
Sarah Palin, your time’s up!
J. Sidney McCain came out on stage. His performance tomorrow will pale in comparison to Sarah’s performance tonight.
He’s certainly an awkward-looking, acting, and sounding fellow. That’s what the American people like, though. If you’re articulate and bright, you already have two strikes against you. If you’re also black, you have eleven strikes against you.
Palin’s speech tonight was a low-risk affair, appealing to the extreme base of the Republican party. She tried to hide her conservative bona fides to appeal to a broad base of broads because the conservatives already know they have a flat-earther a hair’s breadth from the Oval Orifice.
Sarah’s risk will be evident if the McCain campaign ever makes her available for interviews. They hid her to make the convention appearance more exciting, and it worked. The house was rockin’.
She’s pretty.
I can’t wait for this convention to end.
Good night!
Tags: abortion, Barack Obama, Bob Awana, community organizer, democrat, drill baby drill, fear, gay marriage, Georgia, greed, guns and religion, Hanoi Hilton, Harry Reid, hate, Huckabee, Ivy League, Joe Biden, Linda Lingle, Mitt Romney, republican, Rudolph Giuliani, Russia, Sarah Palin, tax, Vietnam, xenophobia
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