Dear Sarah,
Let me preface what is to follow by announcing, proudly, that I’m an old earth evolutionist. I am also a gravitist and a heliocentrist. I feel like it is time for me, and others like me, to emerge from the shadows.
Since you and your Christian apologist, creationist, prophesying, tongue-speaking, faith-healing, snake-handling, rapture-awaiting, revelating, scripture-quoting friends have decided that you have a place in modern society, public schools, and, (FSM help us!) politics, I have decided to carve myself out a niche in your very limited world, that which is written in The Holy Bible.
I’m going to use the New American Standard Bible translation because most of the other ones read like they were written by drunken professors of English literature.
1 Timothy 2:9-15 (New American Standard Bible)
9. Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments,
10. but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness.
11. A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness.
12. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.
13. For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve.
14. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.
15. But women will be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.
So, Sarah, it would seem perfectly clear from this scripture that if you want to make a claim to godliness, you must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. You must also remain quiet, rather than teach or exercise authority over a man. Keep that in mind if you ever grant an interview with a real journalist, and in your one debate with Joe Biden.
You will be preserved through the bearing of children. That much I am sure of.
I also understand that you asked your spiritual guru, Paul E. Riley, for advice on bible-based leadership. He, I have read, advised you to read the story of Esther.
This is Esther:
Mmmm…
The story, if you have chosen to govern by its archaic platitudes, is alarming. It’s also fascinating that Esther is also known as Hadassah. That’s the name of Joe Lieberman’s wife. J. Sidney McCain passed right over Joe and Hadassah and chose you! Tell me there’s no All-Being!
The story of Esther goes something like this. King Ahasuerus has a party and gets shit-faced. Drunk, horny, and a voyeur, he orders his eunuchs to bring Queen Vashti to the party to shake her money maker. Strangely, she refuses! King Ahasuerus is pissed! How dare she!
J. Sidney McCain offered his wife up to drunken revelers in Sturgis, SD.
He’s like, “If them other bitches finds out, they gonna get all up in they master’s shit, yo!”
He gathers up some wise men and asks them what to do. They come to brilliant decision. They beg King Ahasuerus to issue an edict stating that Vashti can no longer come into the presence of the king. This, they decide, will keep the women of the kingdom in line, even insofar as they should be asked to perform lewd acts for the king’s hard-partying friends.
The king’s attendants then put out the word that he’s looking for virgins. He has a eunuch to take care of them.
Esther, an orphaned young virgin, spent a year being slathered with myrrh, spices, and cosmetics by a eunuch.
King Ahasuerus really, really liked Esther!
There was a misunderstanding, as there seems to be at appallingly narrow intervals throughout history, and the king decided to let Haman destroy the Jews. It’s always the Jews.
But, Esther is a Jew! With a name like Hadassa, who would have known? Her former guardian, Mordecai, learns of the coming holocaust, and has Esther’s favorite eunuch passes notes between the two of them.
Esther goes to talk to the king about this series of unfortunate events. When she arrives at his chambers, he has a scepter in his hand. He offers it to her, and she lays her hand on it as well.
She asks to have Haman come to a banquet. Later, Haman finds that Mordecai isn’t scared of him, and he decides to hang Mordecai.
However, the king digs Mordecai because Mordecai stopped some eunuchs from harming the king, or something. This story goes on forever.
Everybody gets drunk again, and Esther tells Ahasuerus that Haman is a bad dude. The king staggers to his feet and wanders away. Haman begs Esther for mercy. The king comes back and thinks Haman is assaulting Esther. Haman must beg most vociferously!
The king had Haman hung on the very gallows Haman had built to hang Mordecai! Delicious!
The king gives Mordecai his signet ring and lets him send out letters telling the Jews to fight back!
A lot of people got scared and became Jews. The best way to bring people to your side is terror, apparently.
The Jews mercilessly slaughtered their enemies, then they hanged Haman’s children.
Then they had a feast to celebrate the most excellent goings on!
Mordecai took his position as second only to King Ahasuerus. Esther isn’t mentioned again.
It’s a good story. Queen Cindy won’t dance at the party, so McCain…I mean King Ahasuerus replaces her with Esther Palin. Esther gets rubbed down with oil by enuchs. I assume this references something Alaskans do when running for office, at least at Palin’s church.
And then bad shit happens to everybody who crosses the Jews. So, I guess we will have to go to war with Iran.
Whatever. Weirdos.
Love ya!
Tags: Adam, Ahasuerus, bible, Buffalo Chip, Cindy McCain, Esther, eunuch, Eve, Hadassa, Haman, Iran, Jew, McCain, Mordecai, Palin, Paul E. Riley, Vashti, women
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