As the presidential election draws near, the talk of which candidate is the antichrist, which candidate best represents clingers to religion, which candidate is Roman Catholic, and which candidate is a snake handler increasingly drowns out the discussion of the actual issues of the day. Critical issues, such as:
Does the Sarah Palin sex really tape exist?
Is Barack Obama gay for pay?
Did Joe Biden, with a wild hare up his ass, once say, “Specifically, the administration should develop with Congress clear benchmarks or goals in key areas: security, governance and politics, reconstruction and burden-sharing. We in Congress should aggressively assert our oversight responsibility by insisting that the administration report on progress toward those goals every month in public testimony.”
And finally, but least importantly, is it true that John McCain and Dick Cheney hunt hoboes together?
With these distractions in mind, and knowing that it always comes down to matters of Godiness, I have devised the Godometer and the Antichristometer. Both are purely mathematical and theoretical constructions. I realize that the great and universal truths of the universe are best left to Pat Robertson, John Hagee, and Rod Parsley to decide, but silly ol’ math is all I’m good at.
Godiness is a measure of how frequently, relative to the other candidates, a candidate was associated, in an exhaustive internet search, with God. Antichristiness is a measure of how frequently, relative to the other candidates, a candidate was associated, in an exhaustive internet search, with the Antichrist.
Without further ado, the first table of Godiness and Antichristiness.
There are several things that surprised me about the data. First, it was astonishing that Senator Biden stands head and shoulders over all the others in Godiness. It was surprising, also, to see Sarah Palin only slightly more God-y than Barack Obama.
The Democratic ticket is 250% more God-y than the Republican ticket. That may be an indication that Roman Catholicism is the One True Religion. Governor’s Palin’s low Godometer reading may be due to the fact that she’s a heretic. Alternatively, as she is a relative unknown compared to the other candidates, her Godiness is subject to change rapidly as new data becomes available.
My hypothesis going in was that Senator Obama’s Antichristiness would be obscenely high. As it turns out, Senator John McCain is the most Antichrist-y candidate, followed closely by Senator Obama. Palin comes in third, and the least Antichrist-y candidate is Senator Biden, again this is likely due to him being Roman Catholic.
Senator McCain’s Godometer numbers could be improved, and his Antichristometer numbers could be lowered if he would-now that he’s claiming to be a Baptist-get baptized. If you can’t tell by the name of the denomination, baptism is important to Baptists. Senator McCain has always been an Episcopalian. It is unknown why he changed horses midstream. One can only assume that he felt the winds of change blowing across his finger of pandering to the burgeoning theocracy.
While the Democratic ticket is overwhelmingly more God-y than the Republican ticket, the Republicans have only a slight advantage in Antichristiness.
As these numbers are likely to evolve over time, or be created over time, if you prefer, I will occasionally post new results.
God Bless America!
Tags: antichrist, antichristiness, antichristometer, Biden, catholic, democrat, godiness, godometer, McCain, Obama, Palin, republican
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