Barack Hussein Obama is almost certain to be sworn in as President by the Grand Mufti, with one hand on the Qur’an and the other on the detonator for the IED.
You know it’s going to happen, don’t you Wyoming? How about you Utah? Oklahoma, you can see it coming right? Tennessee, birthplace of the KKK, you know what I mean, right?
Not you so much, Vermont. You’re commies. Or maybe Canadians, eh?
Tonight I sit here, bitterly, cleaning my many guns and praying that the Supreme Court will appoint John McCain President so Sarah Palin–Dubya with a vagina–can be one heartbeat away from helping fulfill this country’s potential as a belligerent, internationally irrelevent, bankrupt, serpent-handling, intellectual backwater.
It could happen.
All things are possible in Christ Jesus.
Until then, I beg my friends in the Republican Party to fight this Muslim socialist at every turn.
I beg of you Karl Rove, get off your chins and save us!
Fight against health care!
Fight for a regressive tax system!
Fight to lower the minimum wage!
Fight to lower taxes on the wealthy!
Fight more unwinnable wars!
Fight funding for infrastructure!
Fight alternative energy!
Fight technology!
Fight the future!
Fight civil rights!
Fight gender equality!
Fight with me my fellow Americans!
Fight this good fight now, and give the Democratic Party an overwhelming majority at every level.
Seriously, Rove, slip into your sailor suit and fight against everything the American people just voted for.
Center-right, my ass.
The Republican Party, a radical amalgam of robber barons, racists, and far-right luddites is busily trying to label itself the party of the ‘center-right.’
That’s funny.
The center just won in a landslide.
The right just lost in a landslide.
It’s good riddance, George W. Bush. It was not a pleasure to know you. You’re the worst President since Warren G. Harding, worse, actually, but I needed someone to compare you to.
You’re the most unpopular President since Nixon, and you’ll be remembered as a much worse President. Nixon was the standard-bearer for political sleaze and corruption, and you’ve surpassed him.
Good work!
You’ve squandered our blood and treasure on pointless international adventures built around your mythology and your fantasies; you’ve squandered our standing in the world, cultivated over decades; you suck.
The world sucks just a little less tonight.
Tonight, Barack Hussein Obama’s victory, and the American people’s rejection of 8 years of right-wing lunacy finally set in motion the machinery which will free us from those smirks and tics and grammatical errors that will soon be the only positive memories of your presidency, Dubya.
It’s good that Barack Hussein Obama is young, energetic, and charismatic. It’s going to take time and tact and persistence to undo the damage you’ve done, Dubya, Karl, Cheney, et al.
I know the wild-eyed right and the foil-hat Republicans were looking forward to a Sarah Palin Vice Presidency. It’s always satisfying to have one of your own in a position of leadership, but the thinking, reasoning, and informed among us finally spoke, and we said, “Hit the road, nutcase.”
Palin is you, Dubya, and that’s terrifying.
Palin is also a frightening peek into John McCain’s judgment. There was no consideration in that pick, no thought, nothing but a desperate political maneuver. Surprisingly, shockingly, the American people caught on within days. It took years for the American people to catch on to the Dubya gimmick, and by then it was too late. The damage was done.
Thank you, Barack Hussein Obama, for running your campaign the way you’ll run the country, wisely and steadily.
Eight years of a ridiculous, knee-jerk buffoon is more than enough.
Now, where’s my Qu’ran?
And where are all those losers Barack’s gonna give my money to?
Yeah, as an underemployed, unlicensed plumber, I know that fuckin’ Muslim is gonna tax the hell outta me! Muslims have a problem with plumbers. It might be because Muslims don’t use toilet paper. Or it might be something about pipe bombs. I don’t really know.
Good night, all, and thanks for fighting the good fight.
Tags: Barack Hussein Obama, Biden, Christ Jesus, Dubya, George W. Bush, IED, Jesus Christ, Karl Rove, KKK, McCain, minimum wage, Mufti, Muslim, Obama, Oklahoma, Palin, Qu'ran, tax, Tennessee, Vermont, Wyoming
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