The following post was actually sent as a comment to Hot Free Press by one Heath Watts, a loyal reader and prolific offender.
Rather than include it in Hot Free Press as a comment, where it wouldn’t be seen or read, I’ve decided to post it. It still won’t be seen or read because nobody likes Hot Free Press.
Enjoy Mr. Watts’ offering. It combines the disparate fields of football and Astrobiology. It is as offensive to football fans as it is to Astrobiologists, Reverends, Joe Paterno, sled dogs, and The Baby Jesus.
It is, at once, entertaining and scientifically rigorous.
The University of Washington, along with The Pennsylvania State University are two of the few campuses in the U.S. that offer a Ph.D. program or graduate certificate in Astrobiology.
Astrobiology is the science that develops the criteria too search for the evidence of extraterrestrial life. My first hypothesis is that the Astrobiology departments at these two schools have been diverting funding away from their respective football programs. Since Penn State is much closer to many urban centers (Philadelphia, NYC, and D.C.) they have felt less of the brunt of this misappropriation of funds than UW has.
Another hypothesis is that the researchers at Penn State have actually found extraterrestrial life and have been using the advanced space technology to keep Joe Paterno alive and winning. Searching for life on planets other than earth is a sin against the Baby Jesus, because he created life on earth and only earth in the whole universe. Amen! So, my first and second hypotheses are nonsense, because they defy scriptural logic.
More likely, I feel and believe that the people at UW have found the Lord!
It has been suggested by the great minds of the Right Reverends Falwell and Robertson that one can actually turn gay. If one watches young men prance about a field trying to grab a ball while wearing tight pants, that seems like a recipe to make the Baby Jesus Cry out “Gay, Gay, Gay!!!”.
By having a losing team at UW, it risks less people turning gay in Seattle, which is already under siege from its Wizard of Oz inspired nickname of The Emerald City.
My best hypothesis is that by having a bad football team at UW, Seattle is saving the souls of its citizens and many fans, and is additionally preventing Seattle from sharing the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Tags: Astrobiology, Emerald City, football, Huskies, Jesus, Paterno, Penn State, Seattle, SETI, University of Washington
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