WASHINGTON, DC - Senator Dianne Feinstein, Chairman of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, today announced the program for the 56th Presidential Inauguration, which will take place on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol on January 20, 2009.
I find it amusing that there’s a Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies. I wonder if they have a Majestic, All-Encompassing Caucus of Ridiculous Titles.
I wonder who presides over the Ministry of Silly Walks.
“I am delighted to announce this superb line-up of participants in the 2009 inaugural ceremonies,” said Senator Feinstein. “The inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama will be an event of historic proportion. It is appropriate that the program will include some of the world’s most gifted artists from a wide range of backgrounds and genres.”
I’m excited to hear what this superb line-up includes! YAY! Lee Greenwood, maybe? Ricky Skaggs? David Allen Coe? Ted Nugent? Which stellar right-wingers will those elderly, white buffoons bring to this rockin’ party?
Senator Feinstein…odd that she was once the Mayor of San Francisco. She supports the Patriot Act, voted for the Iraq War, voted to fund said war with no timetable for withdrawal, joined Senate Republicans to neuter FISA protections, voted to confirm Michael Mukasey as Attorney General, voted to extend the Patriot Act, supports capital punishment, *SPONSORED* the Flag Desecration Amendment, and she *SPONSORED* a bill which would require satellite, internet, and cable broadcasters to incorporate DRM technologies into their broadcasts, the bitch.
All of this goofy Republicanism makes sense from a woman who’s married to Richard Blum, whose companies receive government contracts without bidding and which are treated favorably by the Department of Defense and the Department of Veterans Affairs.
I should also make mention of the fact that Mr. Blum loves to deal with the Chinese, and her votes can grease that machinery.
She knows who puts the caviar on her lightly-buttered toast points.
We all know.
The program participants were invited by the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies and chosen by the Chairman, the Presidential-elect and the Vice President-elect. In addition to Senator Feinstein, the members of the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies include: Senator Bob Bennett, Ranking Member of the Senate Rules Committee; Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi; House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer; and House Republican Leader John Boehner.
Whatever. The members of my Joint Committee are as follows: Snoop Dogg, Cheech and Chong, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Willie Nelson, and Emperor Shen-Nung.
Their members are old white douchebags.
The order of the program will be as follows:
Musical Selections
The United States Marine Band
Oh yeah! Break out the e-bombs! Let’s get cabbaged and listen to bangin’ tunes. Maybe the tubas will emulate Justin Chancellor’s hypnotic, tribal bass lines from Schism or Forty-Six & 2.
Musical Selections
The San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus
With special guest Mark Foley, enraptured by the ‘music’.
I prefer Matt Foley.
Call to Order and Welcoming Remarks
The Honorable Dianne Feinstein
There’s not much more to say about Dianne. She’s a poor choice for an historic inauguration.
Invocation
Dr. Rick Warren, Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA
Are you fucking kidding me? This is just gross. One can maybe understand Feinstein, though I would hardly preface her name with the title ‘Honorable’. I would never preface Rick Warren’s name with the title ‘Dr’. He’s a Doctor like Dr. Carl Baugh, the young earth creationist with whom Rick Warren shares more than a passing, coincidental ideological similarity. They’re both idiots.
Rick Warren used his position as a powerful disseminator of mythological fabrications to shamelessly promote John McCain for President in a public forum, which Barack Obama was ignorant enough to attend. Rick Warren is never going to support anyone other than a crazy, right-wing, creationist who’s just waiting around for Jesus to yank him into heaven. It’s that simple.
Warren’s earthly reward for embarassing Obama? The invitation to deliver the invocation at Obama’s inauguration. It makes me wish I would have fought Obama at every turn. I’d probably be the Secretary of Offense.
Certainly, there’s something to be said for keeping your friends close and your enemies closer, but no one in their right mind keeps their enemies this close. This asshole will poison the casserole.
Invocation, in this case, presumably means that Warren will call upon some entity to perform some act. I only hope that he calls upon Bumba, the African creator god of vomit, because I’ll be pumping bile into my lap as soon as Warren’s pudgy, evil faces flashes across that big, plasma TV.
Musical Selection
Aretha Franklin
She’s okay. Not interesting, but okay. A safe choice, but another Baptist preacher’s kid, just like Rick Warren. Yuck.
Oath of Office Administered to Vice President-elect Joseph R. Biden, Jr.
By Associate Justice of the Supreme Court The Honorable John Paul Stevens
Bah.
Oath of Office Administered to President-elect Barack H. Obama
By the Chief Justice of the United States The Honorable John G. Roberts, Jr.
Humbug. Roberts is an anus. The Constitutional equivalent of a young earth creationist, lacking creativity, insight, vision, and the ability to think critically.
Why do these justices have pirate names? Maybe they just sound like pirate names. The Dread Pirate Roberts, for instance.
Musical Selection, John Williams, composer/arranger
Itzhak Perlman, Violin
Yo-Yo Ma, Cello
Gabriela Montero, Piano
Anthony McGill, Clarinet
Williams writes big Wagnerian pieces for TV and movies. If you like Star Wars, his most famous composition is always in your head.
Inaugural Address
The President of the United States, The Honorable Barack H. Obama
I wonder if he’ll be interesting, or if he’ll be this bland, presidential muppet we’ve come to abhor.
Poem
Elizabeth Alexander
I don’t know anything about her. She’s not old or white. All I know is that all beat poets should be imprisoned, and Alexander wrote:
Emancipation
Corncob constellation,
oyster shell, drawstring pouch, dry bones.
Gris gris in the rafters.
Hoodoo in the sleeping nook.
Mojo in Linda Brent’s crawlspace.
Nineteenth century corncob cosmogram
set on the dirt floor, beneath the slant roof,
left intact the afternoon
that someone came and told those slaves
“We’re free.”
I once wrote:
Scary clown
Capacious footwear slapping out a warning to the children
Here I am!
Fear me, for I am Clown!
Ghastly red protuberance—the nose,
A conspicuous beacon to the vigilant
Laugh children!
Laugh while you can!
Inconsiderable, astigmatic eyes reflecting newfound terror in a once adoring crowd
Inevitably, the onslaught ensues
Run children! Under the tables!
So many places to hide knives in a clown suit!
Glinting blades emerge from billowing trousers, from the shoes, from the fibrous orange hair
Ronald McDonald gone mad, another birthday ruined
That was published. Not all poetry is good just because it’s in a book.
Benediction
The Reverend Dr. Joseph E. Lowery
The Reverend is an interesting choice of a mythological bookend to Rick Warren. On the one end, Warren is a flabby white conservative. On the other end, Lowery said, at Coretta Scott King’s funeral, in from of four presidents, including Dubya, “We know now there were no weapons of mass destruction over there. But Coretta knew and we know that there are weapons of misdirection right down here. Millions without health insurance. Poverty abounds. For war billions more but no more for the poor!”
The National Anthem
The United States Navy Band “Sea Chanters”
Yay. The funeral dirge in Bb Major, everybody’s favorite drinking tune, now with added bombs bursting in air.
If only they were Jager Bombs.
Tags: Alexander, Aretha Franklin, Biden, Bob Bennett, Boys Chorus, Bumba, Cheech, Chief Justice Roberts, Chong, David Allen Coe, Dread Pirate Roberts, Emperor Shen-Nung, Feinstein, Girls Chorus, Harry Reid, Inauguration, Jager bomb, John Boehner, John Paul Stevens, Justin Chancellor, Lee Greenwood, Lowery, Mark Foley, Matt Foley, McGill, Michael Mukasey, Montero, Nancy Pelosi, Navy Band, Obama, Perlman, Richard Blum, Rick Warren, Ricky Skaggs, Saddleback, Schwarzenegger, Snoop Dogg, Steny Hoyer, Ted Nugent, TOOL, Williams, Willie Nelson, Yo-Yo Ma
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